whole bunch of nothing

Being one semester late, I think, is not as bad as it looks. Yes it's horrible to stay longer in that place, but it gives me extra times to think. Um, I'm talking about what I want to do in the future. This post is about nothing, you don't have to read it. I just can't find other proper place to get it out of my mind, so I pen it down here.





My mother once said that when she was at my age, a fresh-graduate, she also didn't know what she was going to do. But things just happened like that, beyond her thoughts, and she's here now. Almost like a Mr. Big's song.. :D



When I was in elementary school, junior high, or senior high, I usually had already known what high I was going to attend in next level, and I usually already had made my decision far before the graduation time.. but if you ask me now about what I'm going to do after get my DDS certificate, I don't know. I seriously don't know what I'm gonna do.



To me, taking a path is a serious problem. Part of me thinks that once I pick the wrong path, there's no turning back; while part of me thinks that it's okay to make mistakes cos you'll never understand the right until you find the wrong and viceversa. I'm just too afraid of making huge mistakes for my future. Part of me wants a big career in a major that I love; while part of me gets a bit afraid if I get dragged too far by my dreams then I will lost the value of my life. I have seen so many people got dragged away by their job till they forget how to have fun.

Sometimes I envy my friends. Some of friends is going to get their DDS certificate soon and they have already chosen which path they're gonna walk on. Some even are applying for specialist program.. They have decided their choice so quickly and happy with that. How come I can't?

There are times I wish I wanted to be like them. I wish I wanted to lead an ordinary life, like: graduate from university, find my soulmate, make a family, live happily till God calls me back. But I am 100% aware that I don't have to be like them. I know I don't like and don't wanna be an ordinary thing.. like if they paint their nails purple, then I'll paint mine purple with golden speckles.. Plus, I have feeling that I'm destined for something bigger. However, on the other side, I don't want to sacrifice my own life. I don't want to live without a soul, if you get what I mean. Life itself is the value. What makes a life a life anyway? I only want happiness, but what makes the happiness stay?


Like if I told anyone that I wanted to go diving, they didn't comment it, but I knew their little parts thought that it's my another-shallow-and-wasting-money want. Another big dream of enrolling an MDS class in the prestigious HKU also looked like that to them. Enrolling international study program costs as much as a luxury house in West Surabaya, and what am I gonna get after that? Will everything be worth it? Will all the sacrifices be paid back? Can't I just pick without having to think about the payback, the effect, the consequences, whatever you name it?